Sunday, 4 April 2010

骨灰


春季,某一個周末,天晴,28度。

下午在紅磡,我坐在車子裡抱住indigo公仔(我想起安德烈在《親愛的安德烈》裡,說他看到他的大學同學在他面前玩毛公仔令他受不了,而我比大學生的年紀還要大 :P)等待 S 去取媽媽的骨灰。

車子停泊在一間殯儀用品店前,我面對著整條滿是殯儀用品店舖的街道,車窗外的街道上放了一個燒衣紙用的鐵桶,鐵桶上加了一個洗衣機內膽以防過多的衣紙從桶中飄出來。一個穿黑色運動服的男子拿著一大袋衣紙從店裡走出來,我立刻把車窗關上,他向我使了一個感謝的眼神,然後開始燒衣。

我看著火光和黑煙從鐵桶內飄出來,熱空氣向上升,像把街道的景象一同燃燒,這一刻的時間凝固了,我想起很久以前我也曾為父親燒過無數衣紙。我想若果將來我死了,我不想有人為我燒任何東西,我寧可他們為我讀一些我未看過的書,因為我相信我死後可以聽到他們的讀書聲的機會率,多於可以收到那些金銀衣紙,而且我想收藏那些花花綠綠的金銀衣紙,不想看到它們被燒掉。^_^

等到黑衣男人的家人把另一大袋的衣紙都燒完了,我才舉機拍下那個由洗衣機內膽改裝而成的奇特燒衣紙桶。

S 把載著骨灰盅的袋子遞給我,我覺得很重,S 說骨灰盅比骨灰重很多。我覺得很奇妙,把一個人燒完了剩下是比一煲湯的份量還要少的骨灰,但生前的身軀卻連一個雪櫃也放不下,而且往往擁有一屋子的東西。不知道我死後的骨灰會有多重呢。

S 說:這是我第一次載我媽媽坐車,她應該沒有想過她會坐在一個她不熟悉的女孩子的大腿上呢。

車子駛往墳場,我說:如果將來我死了,不需要為我舉行任何哀悼儀式,我的骨灰可以撒在海裡或山上。假如有人想保留我的骨灰,請不要把我留在冷冰冰的墳場骨灰奄裡,我希望那人用一個薄薄的耐熱玻璃瓶保存骨灰,然後放在家中的書架上,好讓我可以「看到」及與書本靠在一起。書架不必執拾得齊齊整整,骨灰瓶被書本壓著亦不要緊,保存的人最好經常把不同的書本或喜歡的東西放到書架上,有時放好聽的音樂便可以了。

S 雖然沒有說,但 S 的心情一定不好,因為很少繞錯路的 S 到每個地方都幾乎行錯了,甚至去錯了地點。幾個小時不停地開車到不同的地方,到了黄昏把車停下來時,S 已經很疲累,在駕駛座上睡著了。

我下車望著在鶴咀的日落,心想:這是美好的一天。(20100313)

Spring, One Sunny weekend, 28 degrees

Afternoon, Hung Hum – I was sitting in the car with an Indigo doll in my arm and waiting for S to pick up his mother’s ashes (I thought of Lung Ying-Tai’s Dear Andreas where Andreas says that he can not stand seeing his mates from college playing soft toys at his sight, and I realized that I am actually elder than a college student.) =P

I faced to the street that is full of funeral supplies shops while the car parked in front of one of them. Next to the car window, there was a metal pail for burning paper clothes and money donned with a wasted washing machines spin tank to clog all dust and ash from aflame bits and pieces. While a man with a bunch of paper clothes and money in black sport wears walked out the shop, I closed the car window, and he gave me a grateful look then started burning.

I starred at the flames and smokes coming out from the pail and with the rising heat in the air, it seemed like the street was burning altogether and yet the time stilled. It reminds me of burning heaps of paper money and clothes for my father long time ago. When I die, I don’t think that I would want anyone to burn me anything, I’d rather they spend time on reading those books that I haven’t, cause I believe the possibility of my spirit hear them reading is greater than receiving those they burnt; plus, I don’t want to see those golden and silver paper destroy by fire, I would’ve just collect them instead. ^_^

After the man in black and his families have burnt another large bag of papers, I captured the peculiar altered burning pail with the odd wasted washing machines spin tank on with my camera.

S passed me the urn with a bag, I felt weighty, and he said the urn is actually heavier than the ashes. I was stunned by the fact that ashes left actually weights less than a pot of soup after men burnt. However, alive men could not even fit in to a refrigerator and usually owns a house full of stuffs. I wonder how much would I weight after I die and burnt.

S said: ‘ This is the first time I drive my mom, she probably won’t expect that she’ll be on an unfamiliar girl’s laps.”

While we’re heading to the burial ground, I said: “ One day I die, need not to hold any mourning ceremony for me, my ashes can be cast in the sea on a mountain. If anyone who wishes to keep it, please don’t leave me in a cold urn at the desolate cemetery. I hope he or she can put my ashes in a thin heat-resistance glass bottle and put it on the bookshelf at home; so that I can “see” and lean against books. The bookshelf does not need to be tidy, even my ashes bottle covers by books won’t matter. As long as the keeper plays nice music sometimes and put different books and things he or she likes on the shelf will do.

Though S said nothing, he must’ve in a bad mood. As a person who hardly ever lost the way, he went on the wrong route at most of the turns or even been to the wrong locations couple times. After hours driving via various places, S was exhausted while we stopped the car in the dusk and fall asleep on the driving seat.

I got off the car, looked at the sunset in Cape D Aguilar and thought: This is a wonderful day. (20100313)

English version translated by Soong Chuk Ching

6 comments:

LittlePerson said...

小丁,我想問一下之前你所提到的是哪人作的??

小丁 siuding said...

《親愛的安德烈》是龍應台的作品

LittlePerson said...

Oops,小丁,
原來這裡顯示不到用符號括住的字啊!
其實我想問的是 兩生花 啊,哈哈,謝謝~~

小丁 siuding said...

兩生花(英文:The Double Life of Véronique;法文:La double vie de Véronique;; 波蘭文:Podwójne życie Weroniki)是奇斯洛夫斯基於1991年拍攝的法國電影

http://zh.wikipedia.org/zh-hk/兩生花

Alex Liang said...

真神奇,本來這麼傷感的情節都被你表述得這麼有趣!
PS:我還以為你是一個不用拜山的人,原來還會陪朋友去的!

小丁 siuding said...

那天我們沒有拜山,只是送骨灰到那裡安放。因為朋友的媽媽不久之前過身了。